Whispers through the darkness....

I was watching Shutter Island today and it completely screwed my head over. I was later looking through some old folders and found these notes. It's funny how a bunch of words on paper can cause you to relive memories in terrifyingly vivid detail. I was in two minds about whether to post these or not, but then denial of what you were in the past only leads to something bad. Acceptance of your past is a step towards affirmation and validation of your present. These were written a long time ago and may reflect in them all the immaturity i possessed back then. You can ask questions if you want, i may not answer them. You can question the logic or the absurdities, i may not reply. If it feels like adolescent angst, it probably is. Whatever you take from it is yours alone. I don't want people telling me that life is beautiful and any of that New Age philosophy crap. Keep it to yourself. Just read them and tell me what you think of them, if you want to.

Note 1
Those of us on that stand on the edge of the cliff called sanity always have the ocean of insanity staring us in the face. The stench hangs heavy in the air and we wobble dangerously, always pulling ourselves back just in time. Ceaselessly however, the waves of the mighty sea crash down constantly on the seemingly invulnerable structure and the cliff erodes slowly unbeknownst to us. As time passes the ground that always seemed solid beneath you seems suddenly shaky and before long you sink into the sea clinging tightly to all your convictions. You drown to the bottom; your face a picture of screwed up pain and adamancy. Eventually you're consumed and are neither distinct nor visible to those that care to look in. You are no more you. Some of us wake up in the middle of this perilous demise and try to claw their way back to land, only to be pushed firmly back in again. The weight of the ocean crushes you down while you lie there helpless. Memories flow out through your tears. Your mind poisons itself to try and stay alive and is corroded into nothingness. Soon, the shell withers away and no trace remains. Glimpses, musings, and flashes of memory are the only evidence that you ever existed and the fire of sympathy and pity burns them clean as well. A soul is lost where nobody was ever sure if one existed. Nothing changes though. Does the universe flinch if a microcosm within itself disappears? It cannot.

Note 2
Do you know what it means to question your sanity? One of the fundamental foundations of a person's existence and affirmation of the same is the ability to have complete faith in your rationality and goodness of state of mind. Do you know how it feels when that wall is shattered to pieces? We have an operating perception and definition of the world that we live in and the reality that we derive from it. When the acidic doubt seeps through it feels like ice running through your veins. The pain that you experience when you start questioning your own actions is indescribable. The conflict that arises out of a disconnect within yourself is powerful enough to rip you apart. Physical pain is excruciating and causes a visceral physical reaction. Extreme mental pain numbs you and washes away all your feeling. You gasp for a second and then sensation fades around you.
Disbelief takes hold of you and slowly gives way to helpless acceptance. You become the constant in a storm of blur. Hopelessness embraces you and leads you gently away. All sense of purpose and meaning vanishes and the very concept of either exists no more. Oblivion incites a sweetness in you and entices you towards it. Nothing is real. Nothing matters. Nobody cares and it means nothing to you even if they did. Life becomes a bitter smile on a face that has nothing to look forward to. And in your head a silent scream echoes continuously begging for help. Nobody listens of course. You dance in the quicksand. Life lives you, the end comes and then you're no more. Maybe you're free. I hope you are.

Note 3
My pretty delusional world is so pretty. It's breathtaking and I feel wonderful in it. Nobody hurts me. Everybody is nice to me. I am loved. I am respected. I am listened to. Isn't my world so nice? My pretty delusional world listens to me and moulds itself accordingly. My world tells me to stay with it all the time. I am not crazy. Maybe I am. But i'm not. Nothing makes sense anymore. I can't bear isolation and i have to live in it. Freedom is everything to me and i have to live like a slave. I am denied my sense of sanity and pushed to have it affirmed by someone who professes to understand me. What kind of an existence is this? Am I selfish to want to escape? Isn't it cruel to expect someone to bear this torture silently? Why is it that the people who "love" me think that my salvation lies in suffering? Why do i have to conform? Why is normality always the benchmark that i am measured against? And why do i never meet this supposedly attainable expectation? Sadness is forbidden and passive rebellion needs to be murdered. I wish i could opt out of life. Is is too much to ask for happiness or try to take some time to find it? Life doesn't stop for you though. I guess i wasn't made for this world. What is the point of writing all of this? It doesn't help. Nothing ever does. The pills are mild ineffective sedatives, the therapy is a joke, and the support is non-existent. A feeling of betrayal is prevalent throughout and is eating me alive. What can you do when the people you trust don't trust you anymore? I don't know. Tough questions with no answers. A waste of a gift. An unavoidable liability. Something that went wrong. Colorful phrases that sum up my life. What a joke. Whatever.